Gah... Not to sound like a agonising adolescent but this week sucked arse BIG time...
College re starting,Horrible exam results, screwing up SCJP and a cut off from a really cool person added up to make this a very forgettable week
But as it is famously said "life is about going on". If i could find that chap who uttered it i would knock the stuffing out of him.
Cuz how can you move on when you cant stop brooding over the bad stuff ? But then thats just lil' ol' mental me.......
Have become so disgusted/pissed with everything that i have stopped bothering to keep in touch with poeple (except 1 or 2) and to show my indifference towards what people think stopped shaving (unfortunately my slow & pathetic beard growth ensures that people are more inclined to notice the former rather than the latter.. Bah)
*In a thin mysterious,reedy voice*
"This the part where i get all broody and moody...So leave now while you still have a chance"
Recently I was told that i am bitter (dunno whether as much as a lemon) psychopath. Though initially my mind attempted to dismiss it under the explanation that I am of cheerful disposition(now .. now.. no smirking.. i REALLY am... :) :):):):) ... See what i mean!) the remark set off a chain of bitter introspection ,and some deep soul searching.And finally i was (grudgingly) forced to accept the fore-said statement as true.
Whenever i have had something bad happen to me the never say die optimistic part of me always used to think that i shouldn't brood over it cuz there could be much worse stuff. Got a leg injury ? Dude think of the poeple who dont even have legs. Fight with a family ? Dude think of the people who dont even have a family. Depressed over some 2 timing and the ensuing breakup with my ex whom i adored and worshipped a lot ?(P.S this is an constant one)Dude you have a roof over your head , loving family , enough food and all working limbs.... SO Shut the fudge up and grow up...... See ?? My dumb mind doesn't even all me to brood in peace... Shut up and let me be miserable and wallow in teenage self pity....Grrrr
But ,i think, somewhere deep inside the cynic side of me, some part of the frustrations got stored away slowly accumulating and making me bitter.
The good lord knows there was enough evidence in front of my darn eyes.Not being able tot trust anybody.Overly suspicious about EVERYTHING and poeple's motives when they do me a favour. Cutting off contact with anybody who gets close with me , Blah blah blah..... But then as it is said - "sometimes we are so busy searching for the bad stuff outside that we often forget to check within ourselves".So damn true....
My mum always used to remark that i don't trust anybody and am too much of a loner. My twisted little brain would infact take it as a COMPLIMENT that i was not emotionally dependant on anybody.
To some extent it was true but i think at some point in my life,which i didnt realise, it developed into a full blown cynicism.
So whats the lesson we learned today kids ?
Well basically i need to get over my stupid bitterness and seriously need to start trusting people. Which is easier said than done but hey what the heck... The journey of a 1000 miles begins with 1 step right ?? But what was brought me the most remorse was the wish that i could apologise to each of the people who i pushed away so unceremoniously over the years. I hope i can make it up to each and every one of them.
*sniff**snob* that was really touching na ?? GAWD.. it brought tears to my eyes *boo hoo*
Well that marks the end of my stupid confession(s) session. As porky pig famously says.... PPpppp.. Thats all folks !!
<<----Think i should ??
9 comments:
erm.. am i allowed to comment?
in any case...this is what figured out i should have said back then but being the tactless, get-confuzzled-at-the-time-of-action troll that i am, it's took me a while to compose my thoughts into something i can understand myself.
will you PLEASE forgive yourself for being a damned human being?! what youre trying to accomplish is impossible, okay? especially for a person like you. it makes me laugh how naive you are to think you can just be an escapist all your life.
i never protested what you told me to do because you need to learn this on ur own after your weird experiments of isloating yourself fail miserably... because they WILL.
i know i cannot possibly know how you feel about your childhood stuff but really all i can say is stop taking life so seriously... why push yourself away from happiness!? unless you're so proud you cant come to terms with the fact that giving importance to people who make you happy is okay..
and yeah, i can relate to not wanting to feel certain thoughts, but pushin people away isnt the solution. deny deny deny the feelings, just absolutely refuse to submit to your evil subconscious who reminds you of the truth.
it helps... i think. gawd im just a 16 yr old what do i know of life anyway -_-
blahhhh... anyway you know what to do when sense prevails ;)
p.s. if trying to trust ppl etc doesnt work and u still wanna push people away, try being a complete asshole next time so it wont matter to them if u go away.
zippity zuppty. i'm done with being mature.
BRINGGG ON TEH RNDOMNZZZZ :PPP
1). Yup you are allowed to comment hence the comment section(duh ...duh)O_o though i am curious as to why only your comments are posted AFTER 12 ??!!!
2). Person like ME ??? Grr..... care to explain missy -_- ??
3). What do i have to do when better sense does prevail (as it HAS) ?
P.S being mature must have taken its toll on you eh !
1) ermm because im online after 12??? -_- and did u really post YOUR comment at 6 in the morning?! [jobless! :P ]
2) erm okay. you're so ... lets say... ermmm sentimental and stuff you could make hitler cry. *pukes* [ keep denying but u know u'd be lying ;P ]
3) la la la la la
P.S. YESSS IT DID FOR A WHILE. i mean wtf was my previous comment about -_- its as long as ur blog post... :P
1) i posted it at 6 in the EVENING... Go see an optometrist to get those peepers of yours tested
2).yeah right... next u will be telling me t shirt got laid in 10th !!
3). Speak up >:<
P.S i know !!!!
1] 5:45 AM meant morning last time i checked. go pick up a 1st grade geog book !
2] no comments ..ARGGGGGGEHHGGHGH dont talk about him.
3] UP!!! (get it?! u told me to speak "UP"? hhahahhaha i m so funnyy) on a serious note though...
slit your wrists and write apology letters to people from the blood that MIGHT come out ( if you really ARE the human that u claim).. :P :P :P
1). Well i know what time i posted... and pray tell me how the hell is a geograpghy book supposed to teach time btw ??
2). Why not ?? :P
3). Very funny -_- and though i wont go that far i certainly did write short emails to people minus the blood and slitting business (In case your royal dumbness didnt get the hint- its time to check our gmail inboxes.... )
1] not time it teaches you that AM means morning and PM means evening
2] he disgusts me
3] your... VERY SHORT NO APOLOGY "letter" cum 5 word line has been replied to -_-
1) which i already know (thank you very much)
2) *sighs*
3). Grrrr........
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